Beach Blues……

aerial photo of sea shore

Summer is officially here and for many people, that means beach time. Sand, surf, water, sun etc.etc etc…. My wife loves the beach, me? Well let’s just say if the beach was indoors and had air conditioning I would be a lot more comfortable. Don’t get me wrong I like hearing the waves crash onto shore, I like the smell of sea air and the occasional squawk from a sea-gull (rats with feathers) is kind of cool. Otherwise, well let’s just say sitting or laying on a beach for hours at a time is as interesting as watching soccer or fishing on TV, it just ain’t my thing man.

The crowds are usually overwhelming, which means parking is a pain. You have to unload the vehicle and depending on your inventory for the day, you might be lugging a cooler, beach umbrella, beach chairs. beach bags filled with sand toys, towels, sun screen and reading material. The lugging takes on the persona of a trip thru the Sahara because you lug thru hot sand, heat and humidity that would melt a lesser being who wasn’t smart enough to wear sunglasses, and then you need to stake a claim to the perfect spot to set up your beach area. After deploying all your equipment, you slather on sun screen which depending on the brand exudes any scents ranging from extra virgin olive oil to maybe spoiled coconut milk. After catching your breath from all the walking and slathering you just did it’s time to test the water. You walk some more thru hot sand, this time with a stiff hot breeze blowing grains of sand into every exposed pore you have only to find, that in opposition to the hot humid air temperature around you the ocean water is ice-cold. Apparently the laws of science and physics are suspended when your on a beach. After splashing around in the water you scan the beach for your private isle of solitude you had set up earlier and make your way back to that spot. WOW, enjoyable? Heck no, you just had a workout that would give a marathon runner a heart attack. When you reach your spot you towel off and then for safety sake, need to slather on more sun screen so you don’t leave the beach looking like a lobster or in some cases of over exposure a piece of shoe leather. At this point I’m usually asking myself ‘are u having fun yet or what?’. Usually one of the voices in my head say, NO!!!

Ah but now the activity portion of your beach time has been completed. Now you get to sit or lay on the beach. Two options are available, under the umbrella you brought and set up, hiding in shade to enable you to be shady and hot while reading or napping is option number 1. Option number 2 is laying in the broiling hot sun attempting to tan your lily-white body while hopefully avoiding reaching an internal body temperature of 260 degrees, which means you could be served as the catch of the day special at a local restaurant. Yep, I choose the hot humid shade. I prefer my steaks well done and prefer my internal organs stay room temperature or slightly above. Just my preference.  To each their own. After some period of time you may choose to re-enter the surf and repeat the experience mentioned above or you decide enough is enough and pack up your paraphernalia, lug all that stuff back to your car, pack your car, and drive back to whence you came in a vehicle that  has been sitting for hours in the bright sunlight and has reached an inside temp that is nearing 2,000 or so degrees. At that temp the A/C is going to have to do some serious cooling before you will feel it. Your not done yet when you reach your rental house or room either. Oh no, beach time keeps on giving. You need to make sure your stuff is sand free before entering your temporary residence, possibly use an outdoor shower to remove sand from body crevices and then lug yourself and stuff into the air-conditioned goodness of that residence. Unpack all your stuff, hang up towels and beach suits ( I refuse to call them bathing suits since I do not and will not actually bathe at the beach) so all will be dry and ready to do it all over again the next day. Yes-sir, the fun continues.

Now you might be saying, come on old man, more than that happens at the beach. I agree, avoiding hungry sea-gulls and their attempts at stealing your food is also a beach going experience along with staying under cover so that the larger sea-gulls (them suckers have shown up on Air Force radar) don’t bomb you with digested food they had already pilfered and consumed.  Believe me when I tell you those sea loving fowl crap bombs the size of dumpsters. You also need to hide your valuables because some two-legged rats of the low-life human variety might be prowling around for an easy score. Basically when at the beach I feel as though I am under attack from the air and land. I bet even General Patton avoided the beach whenever he could.

Well I have explained my view of the beach and how much ‘fun’ I have when I am there. I guess if I ever had beach front property I would be perfectly happy to be sitting in that property with the A/C on looking out a window while blogging and staying perfectly comfortable. Why mess up a good thing with heat, humidity and sand in areas of my body I would have never expected sand to be able to reach. Just my opinion.

Time to watch some TV, I think Jaws is on and that movie is a hoot………………………………..


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